When I think about the past 12 months I immediately feel a dragging, nagging sense of loss. I feel anger and helplessness, and for teensy seconds here and there, I feel like a victim. I *know* my children were victims. I know that no one asked any of us what we thought or how we felt about…any of this.
Things were taken from us–ruthlessly. Viciously. Selfishly. Horribly. We continue to be subjected to powerlessness every day. We are all accommodating a life we never chose. We have lost hours of our lives in the car– afternoons in the sun playing with friends, hours of drawing with chalk and playing at the park, hours of sleep, hours of peace. Gone.
There has been a loss of innocence. A loss of security and predictability. A loss of a single family in a single home.
I have lost men that I loved. I have lost everything I thought I knew. And the loss feels heavy; it bends my knees and bows my neck. I can feel it weigh me down.
But then just yesterday, as I tried to incorporate the advice of friends and the teachings of Zen, I had a thought. What is loss? What is gain? Can there be loss without gain? Or gain without loss?
Perhaps I have gained my loss.
I have gained my freedom.
If I examine this more closely, have I actually been released from a great burden rather than burdened with a great loss?
I am feeling the weight of my freedom. Like a chained animal who refuses to run because they think they are still chained. I feel the weight of what is no longer there. Ghost weight. I’m still carrying it.
As I dig deeper, I picture the ocean. I am swimming with the men who have held my company in the last 12 months. In my mind’s eye I am sinking. They push me down as they gasp for air, their hands on my shoulders, I sink deeper as they rise higher.
When I am alone in this ocean, I float. No one is pulling me under. No one is using my power, my strength, my love, my time, my attention to hold themselves above the fray.
So is that a loss or a gain?
This is a shift, that much can be certain.
How do we frame our losses and our gains? Is there a way to squeeze in between the cracks and see it all from a different perspective?
The weight has lifted. I am free.
I know that I am.
I’m just not used to it is all.
Sending deep love to all. May we all strive to bring peace to ourselves: may we seek to reframe our perspectives, comfort ourselves when no one else can, and float freely in the wide open water.