When the sun rose that morning something in me broke. The tears began to flow as the pure, undiluted light of day rose on the black earth. The stark beauty, outlined in such contrast, broke the dam. And for the rest of the day, the tears came.
My hurt is deep, brave though I am.
I am so very alone.
The man with whom I built this home cannot see the view out the window. He cannot take joy in this fleeting spectacular moment.
He cannot see what we ate for breakfast. He cannot see how brave I am being, how well I am parenting, how hard I am trying. And even if he could, he wouldn’t care. He’s not here to cheer me up or cheer me on. Just me.
I don’t matter to him.
So I’ll have to matter to myself.
I’m seeing someone casually. He makes me smile and laugh and feel beautiful. I deserve those things. I have felt more special with him than I did with the man I married.
Who knows where it will go.
But it gives me hope. Maybe the sunrise did too. Maybe that’s why I cried.