Clouds

Maybe today the clouds have parted– just the teensiest bit.  I am afraid to say for certain.  Tomorrow they might be right back where they were, blocking my view of the light.  But today, I thought I saw some peace peeking down at me through the darkness.

It is painful to even write that sentence.  So painful.  My heart is so tender it feels like it will shatter.  But even so.  I think I saw some light.

Last night I fell asleep on the couch.

It seems like nothing.

But I haven’t been able to sleep–let alone sleep on the couch.  It reminded me of when my heart was at peace, so I would just… fall asleep.

I woke up on the couch, and then I went up to bed and slept so well.

I still had nightmares and dreams; the deepest part of my hurting soul leaks out in the darkness.

I think my dreams were purges.  Water everywhere, so much water, houses were collapsing and floating away, as they were carried downstream in rushing currents.  Roofs disappeared in whirlpools of water.  As I watched these houses wash away I was stricken with fear, wondering when my house would come down too.  For whatever reason, it didn’t come down.  It remained standing in what seemed like an impossible (dreamlike) state of affairs.

Why is my house standing when everything else is falling away, I wondered.  And then.

In my dream I had unending diarrhea.  It seemed to last forever.  This is impossible, I thought.  It was so real I woke up thinking how did I get so sick? It took me about 2 minutes to realize there was no diarrhea.

It appears as though my mind is desperately trying to purge my body of its sorrow and sadness and desperation.  Let it float away.  Shit it out.  Get rid of it Sarah. Get rid of it.  I am trying.  Even in my sleep.

I find comfort in that.  Some part of my fighting spirit is fighting for me in the darkness.  Purging, cleaning, drowning, floating away the sorrow.

I slept a little, I dreamt a little, and I think I saw a parting in those heavy clouds.

 

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