It would appear that this relationship that I poured myself into, with this man who popped up somewhat out of nowhere, is over. I asked him if it was, and he said no. But I think he and I both know it is done. I wish he would just say so. But he won’t. Because he won’t, I begin to ask myself if it is really just me, bringing all my issues from my previous relationship into this one. Is it that I’m afraid he’ll abandon me too, so I act accordingly?
Am I sabotaging a relationship with someone I am deeply in love with, or is he stringing me along?
In my marriage I feared abandonment. But not until I felt it might happen. And for that reason I closed myself off to my ex husband profoundly. When I shut the door permanently, he left. I shut it because something told me I should. My gut told me something was wrong. And it is telling me the same now.
But is my gut a liar? For 2 years I convinced myself that my gut was a liar. And then I lived in lies.
I am trying to ignore my gut. Trying to hang onto the rails of the Titanic. All the while I am questioning whether or not I’m crazy, is the ship really sinking, and if it is am I causing it to do so?
There is a storm in my head. It hurts so much.
Throughout it all, in these times of deep and bottomless loneliness, I try to be my own companion. I picture myself putting my arms around myself. I’m afraid to talk to people about this sadness. Afraid people will think I am crazy. And in these times of fear, I try to be there for myself, to let the rest fall way, and enjoy my children.
I did that yesterday, with the help of one of my best friends who simply showed up when I needed her. I was painting the garage when she came with her kids, and I was planning to just be done at that point but she picked up a roller, the kids went in to play, and we painted and talked for an hour. She carried my load for me that day, showed up so completely, so lovingly, so openly and so kindly. She sat in the sun with me, listened and laughed and was that same source of steady kindness and comfort and humor that she has always been.
I have not been abandoned. I was not enough for myself yesterday. I just wasn’t. My kids weren’t enough. But she was. And she was there. So this week I am going to stop questioning myself, and simply focus on what is here, what is good, what is right in front of my face. This week, and every week, I will be grateful. And that will bring me back home.