It was two years ago on September 26th that my world plunged into sudden darkness. Well, truth be told, I was living in darkness already. I knew the problems. I confronted them head on. I asked over and over. I was denied the truth every time. I suffered, doubted, wondered, and did my best to raise my children and do right by me, knowing full well that in the shadows lurked an ugly, undeniable truth.
In those days, I had this recurring plane crash dream. At least once a month I would find myself, yet again, traveling in a low-flying airplane, riding 10-20 feet above sky scrapers, the wings tipping precariously left and right. I would grab the armrests and cling to them with all my might and then my seat would drop from beneath me and I would be in a terrifying free-fall plunging toward certain death. Often I would feel the plane tip upside-down. I was on a ride, it was out of my control. And there was nothing I could do. I was powerless to stop the crash and before we hit, I always woke up. Sweating, crying, shaking.
Since September 26th, 2015, I haven’t had the airplane dream. Not even when I cried myself to sleep, curled in a tiny ball. When I swallowed the bitter ugly pills of undiluted truth over and over and over. When the truth felt it would break me right in half. When my world fell apart, my universe split open and fault lines shifted. I still never had the crash dream.
And here I am two years later. And the landing hasn’t been a crash. Bumpy, topsy turvy, but I landed. In a new home. Now I am in nursing school, learning to heal the wounds of others. I am making new friends who see me not as a sob story, but as Sarah a friend and classmate. I am watching my children thrive and play and laugh and make friends. I have become the captain of my voyage once again.
And so to him, I say, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Surviving this has been the most extraordinary voyage of my life. I have learned what I can stand, how much I can take, how beauty can come from pain, and I have witnessed the power of choice. When the ground fell away, my plane lifted into the sky. The wings stabilized and the nightmares stopped. We choose every single day. Every day and in every moment, we choose what we are — who we are, and what we would like to become.
I have become intimately acquainted with my own power and strength. I learned to love myself again. I can’t seem to stop smiling these days, the smallest things bring me joy. So with love in my heart and gratitude too, I will keep on keeping on, fucking up and learning, and loving in my own way. What an extraordinary freedom. It puts joy in my heart.